Working For The Weekend

I've always looked forward to the weekends. Who doesn't look forward to two days off in a row? Because of my career choices I've always still done a bit of work on the weekend--grading, reading, etc.--but because of Jeff's career choice I've always tried to savor it, make as much time as possible for us to hang out together. I still do this because that's what you have to if you're married to a journalist. It's what you really have to do if you're married to a journalist and also happen to have chosen an ambitious and strenuous yet rewarding career path for yourself.

But now I look forward to the weekend for an extra reason: I can *almost* forget about my hip problem. When Jeff is around it just hurts. It doesn't hurt so much that all I want to do is lay around, bemoan the grogginess caused by the meloxicam that helps me get a decent night's sleep but makes doing my work much more difficult. When Jeff is at home it's easier to not feel bad about the pile of work I need to do. It's not that I'm not doing my work. I think I've done more work this summer than I have since my summers of schlepping bags of mulch into customers' cars as they made rude comments about my being a woman. Apparently being a woman means I am exempt and/or incapable of loading bags of mulch into customer cars... oh, the stories I could tell about working at Lowe's. But I digress.

I'll I've done this summer is read, take notes, and occasionally engage in tasks and activities that are supposed to keep my stress levels in check. If one looks at my social media feed it appears as though I am doing far more of the latter.

 Farmer's Market!

 Good times at one of our favorite wineries in the area (photo credit-- Jeff).

 Hanging out with my crew.

Homemade pasta. 

 Look at how neat the watermelon looks. 

 Homemade ice cream!

Ruth, discussing the next Doctor with me. She's glad it's a woman but, like me, thinks after fifty plus years a white woman, as much as we love Jodie Whittaker, the BBC could have given us more than a change of gender.

But social media hides secrets. It doesn't tell the whole story. It even helps me fool myself for a fleeting moment. It hides my pain. It withholds the truth--sometimes Jeff has to help me out of bed, there are naps between afternoon outings and evenings of pasta, and Jeff, who never seems to want to take credit, often acts as sous chef. My Instagram feed looks like I'm non-stop, go, go, go. But I'm not. I have to pause for the pain. I have to ask for help. I know that social media allows people to craft their truths, make their lives look more interesting. I knew my posts often made it seem as if I wasn't doing any work. It often looks as though I'm just faffing about, drinking wine, and buying local produce out the ass. It wasn't until recently that I thought about how I might be using it to try to hide the truth from myself. I can't go hiking... so let's post this cute picture of the kitties... let's post this picture of that beef tongue taco I tried. My posts have become a shield from reality. I can't enjoy my favorite trails, visit the one or two left on list to see, or do many of the other items I'd planned to do. I can't do the things I was SO looking forward to this summer.

I can't hide from my reality during the work week. There's no glass of wine to be had on a balcony, no sous chef (P.S. Jeff usually cooks dinner during the school year-- he deserves credit)... there's no where to go really. All there is to do is read, take notes, cross my fingers that my hip doesn't hurt too much, and hope that at some point my body shakes off the heavy exhaustion weighing it down, physically and mentally, so I can finish writing a 200 word abstract. I can't hide from the fact that I'm still too groggy to edit this to the best of my ability... I'm too groggy to craft the perfect final sentence about how all of this sucks, I know life could be worse, and that I will get through this, succeed, etc., etc. I'm just too damn exhausted.

17 Reasons Why... I'm Married?

So I was browsing through my Facebook feed, prepping for a wicked nap. But then I came across an article about being undateable, and it enraged me. So much so that I couldn't nap. According to Ashley Fern, "being single in your twenties is currently some sort of epidemic that comes without explanation." What. The. Fuck.

Being single is totes cool. If anyone tells you otherwise, fuck them. But that doesn't mean being non-single is uncool. At all. Especially when your seventeen reasons for being single totally fucking suck. Fern says her reasons are "possibly satirical." What the fuck does that even mean? Either they are satirical, or they aren't! You can't have it both fucking ways. Satire and no satire may be one of the only true binaries in existence.

So here are Fern's seventeen reasons... except instead of making me undateable, they make me fucking awesome and/or my husband fucking awesome:

1. I'd rather stay in than go out. I binge watch Netflix with my husband. Sometimes I binge watch it by myself. How scandalous!

2. I'm old, so I hardly ever go out. But when I do, I PARTY. And you know who is semi-cool with it? My hubster. Why? Because he's not a fucking dick. The semi is only there because he loves me, and he doesn't want me to have a hangover because hangovers suck donkey balls.

3. Fern says she is undateable because she doesn't want to meet your family. Dude. That just means you're like everyone else in the world. I love my in-laws, but I wasn't exactly "Yay! Jeff, I want to meet your family! They're going to love me and my weirdness and my cursing and all my other baggage!" 

4. I wasn't excited to introduce Jeff to my family. It's no that I'm ashamed of my family, but we have our quirks. So again, just like every other human being, I was nervous about Jeff meeting my family. Why? Because families are weird. They interrogate the hell out your new mate. Granted it's to ensure he or she is truly worthy of joining the family and its unique but cool weirdness.

5. Fern says she can't commit to what she wants for lunch which therefore means she should be alone. Major fucking slippery slope. I can commit to what I want for lunch because I order the same fucking thing... if you can get me to commit to a restaurant. I still got married though. Committing to Jeff and committing to food are super different. Life partner does not equal (is not even similar to) food. This is where Jeff being awesome comes into play-- he puts up with my indecisiveness!

6. I love having the bed all to myself. But we own cats so it's never going to happen. BUT. Fern wants the bed all to herself so she can use half of it for sleep and half of it for laundry. Get a chair for that shit. If you have a bed all to yourself, enjoy the fuck out of it. Don't sully it with laundry! Seriously. That's why people started putting fucking chairs in their bedrooms. For unfolded laundry!

7. I love my best friend (What up, bestie?!). But that never stopped me from dating. Seriously. I don't get this one. How can you love your best friend so much that you have no more room for romantic love? Satire or not, this one makes no fucking sense.

8. I don't tolerate bullshit. Why would anyone tolerate bullshit? I know dating can be filled with bullshit, but that's why you dump assholes and bitches, and marry the good ones, a la Jeff. Also, if, like Fern, you think understanding and patience are bullshit concepts, you're a moron who's handing out your own brand of bullshit. Or we just took a giant U-turn into Fern satire.

9. Sometimes I'd rather hang out with my guy friends. My bestie is a dude. Most of my friends have been/are dudes. Why? I have no idea, but it's not because there's less drama. Guys are some of the most dramatic creatures I've met-- which to Fern's credit, she kind of admits, but then she says, "Boyfriends who let the girl wear the pants in the relationship can be even worse." Dude. It's not 19-fucking-50 anymore. Also, who's to say the people reading your article/blog-thing want a man. Maybe they date chicks.

10. I have trust issues. And Jeff understands that about me because he's awesomesauce.

11. I have an unhealthy relationship with Netflix. I believe this was covered in the first reason. Why we must repeat it, I don't know. But we did. So who cares that I watch a shit ton of Netflix? Jeff doesn't care. He teases me, but we pay for it. So I'm going to fucking use it.

11a. Fern didn't have an 11a, but my God, she has shitty reasons for not dating, and it's really fucking grating on my nerves.

12. Fern's after-work schedule doesn't allow for a relationship. I don't get it. You had time to write a shitty fucking article about being undateable. I think you have time to date.

13. Fern may have finally figured out how to be slightly satirical. Romantic notions make her want to vomit, but she also bitches about wanting someone tall, dark, and handsome. So either she's going for satire at this point, or she's really fucking confused. P.S. I don't like traditional romance so you actually can be dateable and only want a big ass bag of chocolate for Valentine's Day even though you hate Valentine's Day because it's stupid and made-up.

14. Fern likes her pint of ice cream sans man. Fuck that. I will cuddle with Jeff while eating ice cream that he so kindly picked up for me because I was feeling sad. It's nice to have a husband who knowingly lets you eat your feelings while cuddling with you and watching Netflix.

15. Again, it's not 19-fucking-50. You don't have to be great at cooking and cleaning, Fern! Our bed hasn't been made in days. So there!

16. Fern wants a relationship so she can have free lunches. What-the-fuck-ever.

17. Fern says she's too picky. No fucking shit. I just... fuck it.

The point is, Fern doesn't fully understand satire. Or dating. Or how much glorifying the single life enrages me (glorifying marriage also enrages me because it's just fucking life).

Wisconsin Part 3... AKA I Gorged Myself on Sweet Treats

Seriously. I ate A LOT. I think I may have indulged more than Jeff. Of course that's really not a surprise considering I'm the one constantly justifying purchases of several Ben and Jerry's pints. But I digress.

After checking spending the afternoon in downtown New Glarus munching on this...

I have no idea what it is because I was trying to eat it, hold my purse, and hold a bag of other treats so I could proceed into another place filled with sweet treats. This mystery chocolate item came from The New Glarus Bakery. I also got a delish mini cream horn from the bakery. I did not take a photo because I was too busy annihilating it. Don't let my flat ass fool you. Seriously. After eating the cream horn and the chocolate mystery, we checked out The Maple Leaf Chocolate and Cheese Haus. Again I have no photos. I was way too busy eating. Their fudge was wicked good though. They even had a batch made with Serendipity!   


Somehow after an afternoon filled with beer and chocolate, I still needed dinner. I'm a sucker for good Italian. So we hit up Tutto Pasta Trattoria. It was amazeballs! I ordered spaghetti carbonara.

I don't know if it was my lack of weight or lack of looking Italian, but as soon as I said, "I'll have the spaghetti carbonara," the waiter said, "You know that comes with pancetta which is basically fancy bacon?"

Duh. Isn't that half the reason people order carbonara? Who doesn't like fancy bacon? Hell, they make Fakin' because regular bacon is so awesome vegetarians don't want to give it up completely. So, yes. I know what the fuck pancetta is! Bring it on!

Jeff had something with mushrooms. So I pretended it didn't exist. Seriously people. You're eating fungus!

We also had blueberry cheesecake! Yummy!

After dinner, I really wanted to check out this cute shop, Little Luxuries. Thank God they had that Maggie pillow (from the first Wisconsin blog post) in the window. That's how I got Jeff to let me go inside! The shop was super cute. I could have purchsased several items, but I settled on the Maggie pillow and this gem of a mug.

What can I say? I love Scrabble and tea.

Overall, we had a good time. Madison and its outlying areas have plenty to offer. I hope to return because surprisingly a weekend is not enough time to see everything I wanted to see in Wisconsin.

P.S.
I also recommend the following places, but sadly I do not have photos to post (probably because I was too busy eating, or I got lazy because I was so full from all the delicious beer and food):

The Capital Tap Haus

The Chocolate Shoppe

Wisconsin Part 2... AKA Beer!

Clearly I'm behind on this blog thing, espeially considering I left you hanging last time with promises of a goat and oodles of beer. I really am sorry, but I've been busy grading papers, doing other teacher stuff, trying to find a non-sexist wedding card, getting a bitchin' tattoo (yes, this is very important business, especially when it's a silhouette of your cat), and hoping my car doesn't explode. Seriously. I thought it might explode. It's been in the shop for a week with a bad spark plug... explosion totally possible in my book.

In all honesty, I should still be grading papers right now, but I assigned myself this blog post before I assigned the work that I need to grade. Blog post wins. Plus, I have until Tuesday to finish the grading. Another win for this blog post. Okay. Moving on to the promised beer and goat.

As you know, that is if you read Wisconsin Part 1, Jeff and I took a trip to Wisconsin. I told Jeff I wanted to go hiking, and he said, "Okay, but when do we get to do any 'Jeff' stuff on this trip?" There was a long pause while I stared at him. I'm sure you can imagine what that stare might have looked like. And then Jeff said, "Oh yeah. We're going to the brewery. This trip is basically made for me. Oops." Oh, Jeff, how I love thee.

Now, I'm no beer aficionado like Jeff, but I do know that The New Glarus Brewing Company is amazing. And I'm totally the one who introduced it to Jeff. That's right. I'm awesome.

This is what started it all. I have no idea about the specifics of this machine, but I do know going from that...

... to having this giant red building, large enough to house multiple pilot machines, as your waste management building at your brewery means you've come pretty far. By the way, I forgot that's what the building was when I took the picture. I was all, "What's this pretty building?" Snap. Snap. "Oh. Yeaaaaah. It's their waste management building. Oh well. It's still pretty."

Of course, we did not leave the brewery without a tasting. The ever-famous Spotted Cow, Moon Man, Black Top, Totally Naked, and Two Women were available for tasting. A limited addition, Serendipity, was also available for tasting in a pint. We decided just to go for a beer flight each (is that what it's always called? Or does it depend on how many you try?).

I tried Moon Man, a No-Coast Pale Ale. It was incredibly hoppy. I hated it, mostly because I hate pale ales. I chose it for the name. It just goes to show you how much I love beer! Jeff on the other hand, went with a Black Top, a black IPA. Jeff says it was pretty good. I swear. I just asked him, and he shot me a look and said, "Really? Just say it was pretty good." He's going to be so mad when he reads this. I love you, Jeff!

Jeff cheated. He took a fucking sip before I could take my fucking picture. I don't actually care. It just bugs me because the levels don't match. But I digress.  I chose Two Women, again because I liked the name. Smash the patriarchy with beer! Turns out, it too is gross in my opinion. So Jeff and I switched. He originally had Totally Naked. He thought it was too light. But that my friends, is right up my alley-- if it's not a wheat ale, I like it light!

We both chose Spotted Cow for our last taste. It's a classic. Also, Jeff is super cute. He looks like a professional beer taster.

And we also bought beer to bring back home. This is everything, excluding the spare bottles of Spotted Cow and Dancing Man Wheat. So what have we got?

First there is the Edel-Pils. They call it a Bohemian Pilsner. The only pilsners I "like" taste like water. Good luck, Jeff. Next, there's Spotted Cow. It's a farmhouse ale, and it's delicious. Third in line is the Dancing Man Wheat. I requested the second bottle, and I'm glad I did. We just tried it today. New Glarus says, "If you dream of wheat this brew will get your toes tapping... Lick the foam from your mouth and admit sometimes you just gotta get up and dance." I kind of wanted to do a jig after drinking it. I almost like it more than Spotted Cow... I feel terrible for saying that. Anywho.

Jeff digs Two Women, the beer. The feminist in me wants to love it. It's called Two Women for a reason. New Glarus says, "Four thousand years before Christ, Sumerian women created the divine drink of beer. Viking women brewed in Norse society. European Ale Wives were so successful as cottage brewers they were taxed. Artisanal women lost their domination of the daily ritual of brewing during the Industrial Revolution. Today’s brewing trade is controlled by men." BUT. Two craft companies led by women, New Glarus Brewing and Weyermann Malting, combined their powers to create Two Women. Sadly my taste buds do not like it. I support it though!

What's next? I still haven't figured out what's going on with the red caps... oh, they're a part of their Thumbprint series. Basically, the brew-master gets jiggy (or is it giggy?) with it, and creates whatever he wants, and then it's usually never made again. This one is a Berliner Weiss. Jeff was so kind, picking beers I might actually like. The brew-master also made a beer to celebrate the brewery's anniversary: The Anniversary Strong Ale. I won't be partaking in that one.

And finally, the one I am most excited about, Serendipity. Usually New Glarus puts out a Cherry Tart of some sort. However, the cherry season did not go very well. So the brew-master worked his magic, and he used the cherries he was able to find, cranberries, and apples to make Serendipity. If it's anything like The Raspberry or Cherry Tart, I'm sure it will be simply amazing.

Okay. That was more typing than I expected. I didn't even get into as much detail about the beer like I planned to do. So much for this being a two post trip. I promised a goat though.

This is why I wanted to go to Wisconsin. I wanted to mini-golf with goats. But it rained. I was so fucking pissed. But by golly, I got a photo of a goat. Jeff didn't think it was real. He was wrong. It moved... a lot. Plus, I said goodbye to the goat because that's the kind of gal I am, and you know what the goat did? He said, "Baaah!" I shit you not. The goat responded to my farewell. Someday I will mini-golf with this goat and many other goats. And Jeff of course.

Wisconsin Part 1

Spoiler Alert/Warning: I am going back to my old writing style which involves cursing. You are warned.

So Jeff and I took a trip to Wisconsin. It sounds totally lame, but it was far from lame. It's no Florida, but it was better than no vacation. Plus, I got this rockin' pillow!

You might think it's creepy, but I think it's awesome. It is a pillow and a Maggie look-alike all rolled into one.

Anywho. Maggie pillow aside, this trip contained too much awesomeness for one post. Today I'll cover the hiking... and some randomness. Part 2 will cover most of the beer. Yes, there was that much beer! Don't worry. It was a classy affair-- microbreweries and tastings. It's like the man's version of visiting a winery. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good beer, but I'm no connoisseur like Jeff. But I digress.

First of all, we found 39 states on our road trip. Yes. We played the license plate game. What of it? It was a road trip. Road trips are boring as fuck if you don't find something to do. Sure, I read a book, but my eyes get tired if I read for too long, and my brain wonders into dark and strange places if all I do is stare out the window. So we played the license plate game. Word of warning: it becomes more of a competition when you're in your late twenties. I thought I saw New Mexico at the rest stop so Jeff ran over to confirm. It was New Mexico. We high-fived. We also scoured our hotel parking lot... twice. Somehow this will have to be contained when have children, or they will turn into assholes.

After arriving in Wisconsin we hit up the Ale Asylum. We were mostly hungry, but we also wanted some local beer. Jeff got some avocado wrap thing. I went with the pulled pork sandwich... on a pretzel bun. I sent a picture to my parents, and my mom was all "I thought you didn't like pulled pork." I just like good pulled pork. Sorry mom. It's true. I'm a food snob. Accept when it comes to Cracker Barrel. That shit is good. As for the beer...

I tried out Unshadowed. Ale Asylum says "this classic German Hefe-Weizen is soft and uber refreshing. It is light golden in color, with a hazy appearance. It has a hint of bananas and cloves in the aroma, and a tantalizing sweetness in the finish. If a dewy Spring meadow had a flavor, Unshadowed would be that flavor." This description is spot on. I don't even like bananas! Also, now that I think about it, I don't know if I'd say this tasted like a dewy Spring meadow, but it was still delicious. Also, if you are a student, please note how I properly cited my source. It's really not that difficult. 

Jeff's beer was gross. But that's probably because I don't have a refined palate. I also don't like beer like he does. If it's a wheat ale, I'll probably dig it. If it's anything else, I won't like it unless it tastes like water. So I like wheat ales and shitty beer. But if you like beer, well good beer, you might like Jeff's choice, the Sticky McDoogle. It has the best name ever. You can kind of see it in the background of the above picture. According to Ale Asylum this "traditional Scotch ale is full-bodied with an earthy aroma. It has a smooth malt presence, with just the right touch of hops for a balanced, clean finish." Jeff isn't here so I don't know if he would say, "Yeah! Exactly." I do know he thought the Sticky McDoogle was tasty. Ha. That's funny. You know you're thinking what I'm thinking. Also, again, if you're a student... I totally credited my source again!

We pretty much fell asleep after this. Well, first we sat in the jacuzzi for a few minutes because the "heated" pool was fucking frigid. Then a little girl kept splashing me while I tried to dry off. Then I realized I was turning into my mother. I literally thought, "What the fuck? Why isn't her mom correcting her behavior? My mom would never let me splash like that, especially with people around. Seriously, why won't she stop splashing. This is so annoying. FUCK. I'm turning into my mother. She totally thought this about kids when I was a kid, except her thoughts weren't laced with F-bombs. I'm turning into a F-bomb dropping version of my mom. Fuck me."Then we went upstairs because Jeff could tell I was annoyed.  

We totally crashed. Really it was a good thing because I was not prepared for the next day's hike, even with a decent night's rest. Apparently my body is falling apart. I knew I had issues, but I never thought I'd be in the middle of the woods pointing to locations on my body while Jeff took pictures so I could show them to the doctor instead of trying to remember where it hurt and totally failing. 

At least the hike was pretty. If you have allergies, take some fucking Allegra before you go! These beautiful butterflies were all over the place, but where there are butterflies, there is pollen. Guess who forgot to take her Allegra? Me. 

It did not stop me though. You don't get between this girl and a trail with a bad ass waterfall. Not even you, pollen.

Especially when there's a teetering log involved. Please don't tell my doctor or physical therapist.

Next up: Beer! Beer! And more beer! There may also be a goat. See, now you're intrigued. Seriously, you better read Part 2. Whenever I get around to writing it.