Thursday, February 6, 2014

17 Reasons Why... I'm Married?

So I was browsing through my Facebook feed, prepping for a wicked nap. But then I came across an article about being undateable, and it enraged me. So much so that I couldn't nap. According to Ashley Fern, "being single in your twenties is currently some sort of epidemic that comes without explanation." What. The. Fuck.

Being single is totes cool. If anyone tells you otherwise, fuck them. But that doesn't mean being non-single is uncool. At all. Especially when your seventeen reasons for being single totally fucking suck. Fern says her reasons are "possibly satirical." What the fuck does that even mean? Either they are satirical, or they aren't! You can't have it both fucking ways. Satire and no satire may be one of the only true binaries in existence.

So here are Fern's seventeen reasons... except instead of making me undateable, they make me fucking awesome and/or my husband fucking awesome:

1. I'd rather stay in than go out. I binge watch Netflix with my husband. Sometimes I binge watch it by myself. How scandalous!

2. I'm old, so I hardly ever go out. But when I do, I PARTY. And you know who is semi-cool with it? My hubster. Why? Because he's not a fucking dick. The semi is only there because he loves me, and he doesn't want me to have a hangover because hangovers suck donkey balls.

3. Fern says she is undateable because she doesn't want to meet your family. Dude. That just means you're like everyone else in the world. I love my in-laws, but I wasn't exactly "Yay! Jeff, I want to meet your family! They're going to love me and my weirdness and my cursing and all my other baggage!" 

4. I wasn't excited to introduce Jeff to my family. It's no that I'm ashamed of my family, but we have our quirks. So again, just like every other human being, I was nervous about Jeff meeting my family. Why? Because families are weird. They interrogate the hell out your new mate. Granted it's to ensure he or she is truly worthy of joining the family and its unique but cool weirdness.

5. Fern says she can't commit to what she wants for lunch which therefore means she should be alone. Major fucking slippery slope. I can commit to what I want for lunch because I order the same fucking thing... if you can get me to commit to a restaurant. I still got married though. Committing to Jeff and committing to food are super different. Life partner does not equal (is not even similar to) food. This is where Jeff being awesome comes into play-- he puts up with my indecisiveness!

6. I love having the bed all to myself. But we own cats so it's never going to happen. BUT. Fern wants the bed all to herself so she can use half of it for sleep and half of it for laundry. Get a chair for that shit. If you have a bed all to yourself, enjoy the fuck out of it. Don't sully it with laundry! Seriously. That's why people started putting fucking chairs in their bedrooms. For unfolded laundry!

7. I love my best friend (What up, bestie?!). But that never stopped me from dating. Seriously. I don't get this one. How can you love your best friend so much that you have no more room for romantic love? Satire or not, this one makes no fucking sense.

8. I don't tolerate bullshit. Why would anyone tolerate bullshit? I know dating can be filled with bullshit, but that's why you dump assholes and bitches, and marry the good ones, a la Jeff. Also, if, like Fern, you think understanding and patience are bullshit concepts, you're a moron who's handing out your own brand of bullshit. Or we just took a giant U-turn into Fern satire.

9. Sometimes I'd rather hang out with my guy friends. My bestie is a dude. Most of my friends have been/are dudes. Why? I have no idea, but it's not because there's less drama. Guys are some of the most dramatic creatures I've met-- which to Fern's credit, she kind of admits, but then she says, "Boyfriends who let the girl wear the pants in the relationship can be even worse." Dude. It's not 19-fucking-50 anymore. Also, who's to say the people reading your article/blog-thing want a man. Maybe they date chicks.

10. I have trust issues. And Jeff understands that about me because he's awesomesauce.

11. I have an unhealthy relationship with Netflix. I believe this was covered in the first reason. Why we must repeat it, I don't know. But we did. So who cares that I watch a shit ton of Netflix? Jeff doesn't care. He teases me, but we pay for it. So I'm going to fucking use it.

11a. Fern didn't have an 11a, but my God, she has shitty reasons for not dating, and it's really fucking grating on my nerves.

12. Fern's after-work schedule doesn't allow for a relationship. I don't get it. You had time to write a shitty fucking article about being undateable. I think you have time to date.

13. Fern may have finally figured out how to be slightly satirical. Romantic notions make her want to vomit, but she also bitches about wanting someone tall, dark, and handsome. So either she's going for satire at this point, or she's really fucking confused. P.S. I don't like traditional romance so you actually can be dateable and only want a big ass bag of chocolate for Valentine's Day even though you hate Valentine's Day because it's stupid and made-up.

14. Fern likes her pint of ice cream sans man. Fuck that. I will cuddle with Jeff while eating ice cream that he so kindly picked up for me because I was feeling sad. It's nice to have a husband who knowingly lets you eat your feelings while cuddling with you and watching Netflix.

15. Again, it's not 19-fucking-50. You don't have to be great at cooking and cleaning, Fern! Our bed hasn't been made in days. So there!

16. Fern wants a relationship so she can have free lunches. What-the-fuck-ever.

17. Fern says she's too picky. No fucking shit. I just... fuck it.

The point is, Fern doesn't fully understand satire. Or dating. Or how much glorifying the single life enrages me (glorifying marriage also enrages me because it's just fucking life).

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