Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. I wonder if I'm too demanding. I wonder if I'm too boring. I wonder if I'm too... something. Or maybe I'm not enough.
I could never figure out why this person or that person would forget to invite me somewhere. I made excuses for people. But today I realized that's just it; they were excuses. There's nothing wrong with me. At least not enough to warrant wondering which flaw of mine scares away every new friend I think I've made. It's not me. It's them. I think this is the first day I've ever said that with any hint of confidence.
How could it be me? I have friends... sadly, they're miles and miles away. I love them dearly, but, even scientifically speaking, they can't provide the level of human interaction I, or anyone else, needs to survive. Not even my husband can provide that amount. Even if he could, he shouldn't have to provide it. I deserve people who care about me, right next to me, or at least a few miles away. I know of at least one or two people a few miles away who actually care, but they're busy... practically saving the world if you ask certain people. I don't blame them--they have to take care of the rest of the world after all!
I blame you. I blame the person who expects certain items from me, but gives nothing in return. I blame the person who forgets to invite me somewhere, but is deeply saddened when certain items don't arrive in front of her... or maybe him. I blame the people who act as if I'm their best friend, invite me out to some long-lost future event with fuzzy details, forgets to tell me the details do indeed exist, leaving me alone, feeling abandoned.
I blame myself. I should have recognized the good in me. I should have known I was full or worth, not worthless.
Today is almost over, and you are no longer in my life. You chose to set me aside.
I'm worth more than you realize. I'm more fun than you'll ever know. I'm filled with a wealth of interesting knowledge, but you've lost access. If only you realized who you were talking to that day. I'm a Darling-- one hell of a baker, social scientist, speech instructor, wife, friend, animal lover, writer, coffee-lover etc. etc.... who knows karma's a bitch.
And finally realizes just how much strength she contains.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you, either. At all. Human beings are inherently self-absorbed creatures. It's not one of our finer traits. And especially with the holidays all bunched up towards the end of the year (starting with Halloween and lasting through Valentine's Day), I think this particular quality is easily magnified. Perhaps that's no acceptable excuse, merely an explanation for people seem so unlikely to reach out and really care about what others are going through.
ReplyDeleteI'm only a few miles away, but I can attest to how easy it is to get wrapped up in my own world. I apologize if that's added to your feelings of isolation and inadequacy. I think you're an incredibly witty, brilliant, beautiful, and charming individual, and I'm sorry if I've failed to demonstrate that by falling out of touch; I sincerely hope to remedy that moving forward. And your other friends will realize the error of their ways, as well, when they wonder why their lives are a little less brighter without your contact and communication.
It's difficult to put ourselves out there, reaching out for friendships, without knowing whether or not our actions will be reciprocated. It takes a certain amount of courage to do. Your friendship deserves to be appreciated and returned.
I'm glad you realize your worth. We tend to accept the love and friendship we feel we've earned or deserved. For those with low confidence and a lack of pride, I'm certain that translates to poor relationships. You have the self-knowledge of how truly wonderful you are and your friendships will absolutely reflect that as you live and grow. Try not to lose your faith in humanity; we have what it takes to be reliable, compassionate, loving people, we simply tend to become distracted. But our lives are short, and hopefully we realize and cherish such friendships before they're gone.