My heart is nearly broken. Today I called the vet's office and said, "It's time." Those words were heart wrenching. Thank God I have a vet with a staff who knows each patient and their respective humans so well. I imagine some places would have made me say the dreaded words I refuse to say or even type today.
I've tried to distract myself today while desperately wishing I still had a class to teach. Damn you, summer block class. I know I should cherish each moment I have left with Maggie, but taking care of all the things I need to do before going back to school and buying donuts and Don Taco is much easier than laying here while Maggie ignores me. This is the first day she's ignored me so blatantly. My mom says she's preparing me for the future. Perhaps my mom is correct. Maggie has always been in tune with my feelings. So it's entirely possible she knows what is to come tomorrow and wants me to be ready for the first time she isn't here to head boop me as I cry. Maggie is the kind of cat who would do such a thing for me.
I'd like to think I taught her how to be so kind, but I didn't. She came that way. Jeff and I've even joked that she's part dog. She is literally the friendliest cat I've ever met in my entire life. We love cats, even cats with diva streaks, and while Maggie has one, it's never diminished her capacity to love us unconditionally. It's so great that my mom, who does and always will accept me for who I am and become even when she doesn't agree with certain choices, offered positive words upon hearing that I planned to get tattoos of Maggie's paw prints (even though I already have one of her silhouette!) on my shoulders in honor of the Maggie hug. I don't know if I'll ever have another cat who literally hugs me, but at least I've had Maggie and can honor the memory with the blessing of my mom no less!
Earlier in this process, I wrote about knowing when "it was time." When people tell you that you'll know, they mean it. You will know. However, I'd like to add two sub-points.
1. If your pet has two human parents, "the time" is less exact.
I knew before Jeff. However, I could not force Jeff into knowing with me. He had to see it on his own. This made me sad and angry. Don't be like me. I hate that I might have made Jeff feel like a jerk (I'm sorry, and I'm sorry that I can't tell you right this second because you are currently having a busy day at work.).
As I said a few weeks ago, shortly after getting Maggie, Jeff and I had a talk, agreeing that under the right circumstances, euthanasia is the best route to take with pets. If I could go back in time, I would talk about it more. Or I would make us agree to create an agreement of how we would decide when the time was right. It is vastly more complicated than simply agreeing that pet euthanasia is humane in certain cases. For instance, one of the things experts say to consider is the ratio of good days and bad days. However, what constitutes a good day to me is likely not the same as what constitutes a good day to Jeff. Because our schedules conflict, we've been seeing two different versions of Maggie. These are just a few examples as to why I wish we had talked more in depth or had set up a plan, even if it wasn't until the day we found out she was sick. Perhaps if we'd been more clear about our expectations, the time between me knowing and he knowing wouldn't have been as long. I could be wrong about all of this, but it's something to consider.
2. If possible, make sure your friend can go out with a bang.
Despite our sadness, we've been working to make the last stretch of Maggie's life as great as possible. She's been a wonderful friend and deserves nothing but the best. I refuse to wallow in my sadness until it's time tomorrow. I've allowed myself many tears, but we must, even if between cries, for her and for ourselves, enjoy the moments we have left.
Today we purchased a can of organic tuna. Tomorrow part of it will be put on a "good plate," and she will eat like a queen. I may even put the plate on the kitchen table. We're also going to grab a pie from our favorite coffee shop if they have one of her favorites-- she's a fan of lemon cream. If they don't have a flavor on her list of favorites, I'll bring her home a shot of their homemade whipped cream that she loves so much. I think we might take her out for a walk too. She loves the great outdoors.
And finally, on her last ride in the car, we will rock out like a hurricanes with a variety of tunes including the afore-refereneced (why yes, I made that word up!) Scorpion. It all started because (I have no idea how or when) at some point Maggie entered a room, and Jeff said, "Here I am!" to the tune of "Rock You Like a Hurricane." She must of been entering the room like a bad ass. Regardless, it became a thing. She is and will forever be our badass, sweet, friendly, hurricane kitty, and we will always love her.