Thursday, March 7, 2013

Musings

I don't quite know where to begin. I have a lot to say, but I don't know how best to articulate it. I suppose I'll just type...

Relationships are complicated, especially when they are broken, damaged. If we buy something defective, we return it to the store, but we can't return people. We can't throw them away... even if we occasionally hate them. Don't mistake my musings to mean we should never cut ties; some people should be thrown away, tossed to the side, removed to prevent further damage. However, reaching that point is not easy, not even when it should be easy. If it was easy, domestic violence and its horrid cycle would be non-existent. But it's not easy, even then.

So, how can I even know what to do with you? You would never physically hurt me. I have a few emotional scars, but so do you. Your scars helped and continue to create my wounds and scars. But I still love you. I will always love you. So, again, how can I know what to do with you? How can anyone know what to do with you? I don't think they can. I know someday I will know what to do. I'm slowly learning how to lessen the pain, heal the wounds.

I hate the judgement I feel. I am judged for not liking you enough. I am judged for not leaving you behind. I am judged for letting you hurt me-- after all, I should be used to it... so why let it bother me? I am judged. But I shouldn't be judged. They don't know you like I do. You are fun. You've committed acts that make me want to leave you behind forever, and you are oh so predictable. But you're so much more than cool, and you've done so much more. You're mean, selfish, childish. You've held me while I cried, let me know I'm fine just the way I am. You're an enigma to me, probably to yourself.

So how can anyone know what to do? You don't know what to do. So how can I?

Love complicates it even more. It isn't just any love either. Unconditional love. I simultaneously love and hate that smile, those words. If I hated you, and I mean hate in the truest form, I could rip you off like a band-aid. Hating you would be easier. But I don't hate you. I want to hate you, but I can't. It's not in me. The hate I currently feel isn't real hate. And I've felt real hate. I don't know if I can ever feel such disdain for you because no matter what you do or don't do, at your core you care about me. You think I'm one of the most amazing creatures on Earth. You just don't know what to do with me.

I wish you knew what to do. I'd tell you... I have. But you forget. Or maybe he makes you "forget."

I wish I could tell you all of this. It's funny because, I feel so judged about this entire fiasco that is our relationship, and yet you are the one person who would completely understand, who wouldn't judge me. If only this wasn't about you...

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